Who am I?

Colin Moore

United Kingdom

I was 23 and this story took place in 1981. I was a student doing a Postgraduate Teaching Course after a degree in Psychology in Bangor, UK. I was tired doing teaching practice but I try to keep my meditation practice going. Not sure Christian or Buddhist so I sit in front of a Christian Cross and chant a Tibetan mantra. Confused? You bet, but then so were/are the times we live in. I begin to meditate and do the mantra. Disjuncture. Suddenly I wake up in a heap on the floor. I know who I am. My identity is clear. I remember how my mum and siblings come to visit me. I am a Buddhist monk and this place is strange. I don’t recognise anything. I am afraid. I look around the room and don’t understand anything. My eyes light upon a student union card with a picture. Suddenly I recognise this face. It’s mine. Now. This now. (Not the other one) And my present 1981 identity comes flooding back to me. I am student at University in 1981. No, I am Buddhist monk. Student. Monk. Who am I? This arises with increasing urgency and a sense of panic. Student. Monk. Student. Monk. Student. Monk. Who am I? Who am I? No peace. Who am I? A wrestle for identity. Who am I? Who am I? No peace. No resolution. Can’t have two identities. Then …… peace. I am the one who knows both identities. The knower of identities. Clear. No content. Aware. Pure subject. Nothing in it. Clear. Aware. Identity itself or that which identifies but has no identity. Peace.

How to live in the appearance of things? Everyone is that Awareness. What to do with this experience? Years trying to figure it all out, studied with many lamas and other teachers. Bodhisattva Path. Now a student of Ringu Tulku. Doing the best I can with this small glimpse. May I use it well for the benefit of one and all.



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